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I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin