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me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
What.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I am all good here, 😂😉
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
If looks could kill