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A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
😭😭😭
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
cat faces on other animals, a thread
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.