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Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys