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If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar