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I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
That’s fair
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?