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In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.