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Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
that’s really how it is
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
airing out the snack pack
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead