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“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?