You Might Also Like
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Möther may I have a snäck
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds