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Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.