You Might Also Like
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
True statement👍😏😁
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.