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Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
tag yourself
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears