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olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Meow?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.