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Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don鈥檛 ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i鈥檓 disgusting.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 馃槒
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it鈥檚 so nice to see that even at his age he鈥檚 learned how to use ChatGPT
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it鈥檚 because they鈥檙e fantasizing your death.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
