You Might Also Like
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
don’t be scared
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!