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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.