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Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao