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I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
old twitter is back baby
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.