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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?