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I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.