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[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.