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You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs