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ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I try
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.