You Might Also Like
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.