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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.