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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
The Book. The Movie.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Ha
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Sell your car
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
Me irl
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.