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At what age should you put the tonsils back in
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.