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I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
School be like
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.