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My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew