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My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
sugar glider wrangler
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.