Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
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[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
When news reporters do sports stories
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
How to properly lift a body
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him