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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.