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what the hell girl, sure
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM