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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here