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That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
ouch
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.