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it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
doing your own taxes
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron