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If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Traveler’s camo
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
get you a girl who
