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Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*