You Might Also Like
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.