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Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY