You Might Also Like
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Always this one for me forever
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.