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I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home