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[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
*offers Batman cough drops*
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Hot Hot Hot
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?