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99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*