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Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
get you a girl who
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice