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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
2022: I can fix it
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
sliding into dms like
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.