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[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly