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Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.