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Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Worst Native American name ever.
