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Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.