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“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.