You Might Also Like
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2