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Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Imagine having a party on purpose.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.