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God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
ugh not again
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’