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Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.