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Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next