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“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise