You Might Also Like
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.