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no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.