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People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Feel. He’s so soft.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Finally!