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Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.