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cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.