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Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting