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The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.