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*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Breaking news:
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I think we should hear other voices.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…