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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
lol
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him