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In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
This is my favorite one of these!
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
“I’m helping” 😅
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok