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After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Oh, I bet you would be