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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
the #horror is real!
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
how it started vs how it ended
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
💀
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
A completely valid reaction tbh
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
me when i see my girls butt
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.