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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
water it, i dare you
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.