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Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
? 💀
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
What the dentist sees
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.