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Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do