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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this