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Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
A friend sent me this.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case