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Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it