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Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Imagine having a party on purpose.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags