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The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
The honesty is refreshing
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.