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Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies