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I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me