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“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
#Caturday
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me: