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Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.