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them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I occasionally drink every single night.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.