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Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Wednesday
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.